Mandy's Mayhem

I talked to an old friend today. He asked me how I am doing and told me how sorry he was to hear about my loss.
This being an old friend I felt I could be honest with him.
This is someone I can tell the truth and not be judged. This is someone that has lost not one but both of his parents. He knows what it is that I am feeling.
He did something for me today that some either can't or have chosen not to do.
He listened.
He didn't say a word until I was finished. And then he offered some advise.
He said I could take it, or not, the choice was up to me.
He let me know that there were a few things that have helped him, and he wanted me to know.
He let me know that everything I was feeling was normal. How when I'm angry it's ok. When I feel cheated and that life's not fair it's normal.
I am grieving. And there is no right or wrong way to do it, only my way.
So what ever it takes to get through this, and he knows I can I am to do it.
I had to love him for that. He understood that I needed space and time because that is the only true way I can or will be able to deal with this all.
He also suggested I keep a journal. I have had others suggest this idea and I have thought about it to a point but I must admit I am not ready to put it all down yet.
You see, I have these feelings that if I do this I will stop grieving and if I stop grieving I am not remembering, and if I am not remembering I have lost her forever. And that is what scares me the most. The fear of losing her.
I know that to some of you it probably sounds really crazy,and I'm sure right now you are thinking this girl needs help. But I don't, I'm ok. It's just one of those things I need to work through, and I will. In my time and my way.
So to most of you I want to thank you for all you have done.
I want to thank you for your kind words.
I want to thank you for not asking me questions that have no answers (or at least not the answers you want to hear).
I want to thank you for standing beside me and respecting my decisions, never once telling me how you felt I was wrong and in what way.
I want to thank you for giving me space to try to figure this all out but still being there when I call.
And most of all I want to thank my friend.
He doesn't know it yet but today he gave me hope to go on, guidance on how to do it and peace of mind that I can
Maybe someday I will tell him.