I talked to an old friend today. He asked me how I am doing and told me how sorry he was to hear about my loss.
This being an old friend I felt I could be honest with him.
This is someone I can tell the truth and not be judged. This is someone that has lost not one but both of his parents. He knows what it is that I am feeling.
He did something for me today that some either can't or have chosen not to do.
He listened.
He didn't say a word until I was finished. And then he offered some advise.
He said I could take it, or not, the choice was up to me.
He let me know that there were a few things that have helped him, and he wanted me to know.
He let me know that everything I was feeling was normal. How when I'm angry it's ok. When I feel cheated and that life's not fair it's normal.
I am grieving. And there is no right or wrong way to do it, only my way.
So what ever it takes to get through this, and he knows I can I am to do it.
I had to love him for that. He understood that I needed space and time because that is the only true way I can or will be able to deal with this all.
He also suggested I keep a journal. I have had others suggest this idea and I have thought about it to a point but I must admit I am not ready to put it all down yet.
You see, I have these feelings that if I do this I will stop grieving and if I stop grieving I am not remembering, and if I am not remembering I have lost her forever. And that is what scares me the most. The fear of losing her.
I know that to some of you it probably sounds really crazy,and I'm sure right now you are thinking this girl needs help. But I don't, I'm ok. It's just one of those things I need to work through, and I will. In my time and my way.
So to most of you I want to thank you for all you have done.
I want to thank you for your kind words.
I want to thank you for not asking me questions that have no answers (or at least not the answers you want to hear).
I want to thank you for standing beside me and respecting my decisions, never once telling me how you felt I was wrong and in what way.
I want to thank you for giving me space to try to figure this all out but still being there when I call.
And most of all I want to thank my friend.
He doesn't know it yet but today he gave me hope to go on, guidance on how to do it and peace of mind that I can
Maybe someday I will tell him.

Without you there would be no me..........

Without you there would be no me.

I want to thank you for teaching me how to love.
How to try to always find the good in other people and
that no matter what, there is always someone else out there worse off than me.
I often wondered to myself how it is you did that.
I want to thank you for teaching me courage and strength.
Courage to face the problem at hand. Strength to beat it.
You overcame so much in your short life.
I want to thank you for teaching me how to be a mother.
I can only hope to measure up.
In my eyes I have very big shoes to fill.
But most importantly I want to thank you for the following things:
** Always allowing me to be me, and loving me anyway.
The good, the bad and yes, the ugly.
**for always being there for me. You may not have agreed
with what I was doing but you stood by me anyway.
**For always telling me I could and would do anything I put
my mind to, and giving me the means to make it.
**But most of all I want to thank you for not only being the best mother
a child could want, but being the best mother a child could have.


Without you there could be no me.

I love you momma, you will live on.

Motherhood

I saw something on Face book today that kinda got to me, this is what it said. :

I am a cook, a housekeeper, a parent, a teacher, a referee, a nanny, a nurse, a handyman, a maid, security and a comforter. I don't get Holiday pay, sick pay or even a day off. I work through the day and even sometimes through the night. I am underpaid and over worked. Now tell me your job is harder than mine. I am a mother.

When I first read this I thought to myself boy can I relate to that. That's my life on a daily basis. Bouncing from one job to another, sometimes doing all of the above at the same time. When your the mother of multiple children you learn how to multitask real quick. And I thought to myself, isn't that what motherhood is all about.

Now I know I will sometimes joke that I didn't really know what I was getting into and if I did I don't think I would have taken the job, but that is not true. I feel blessed to be a mother.
A mother to my four babies, I jokingly tell my husband that yes they are my babies, when he can figure out how to produce life inside his body he can claim them . And all these thing's I read were things I would and will do for the rest of my life. That is what a good mother does. It's what my mother did, what I saw my grandmothers do. I don't know any different. It's how I was raised. It's what I hope to pass on to my daughters, actually all of my children. I want my children to look back at their younger years and think to themselves, man my mom did the best she could for us, she was always there for us. I want them to know that no matter what they do in life I will always love them . there is nothing they could ever do to make me not love them. I may not like it, may not agree with it, but I WILL always, always love them. Every night before bed one of the last things my babies hear from their mom is this, "How much does mommy love you?" And they will say "higher than the sky and deeper than the ocean". I nod my head and repeat it back to them. Because I am a mother. Their mother. And there is nothing I would not do for my babies.

Emilia Jade Lee, 02/08/02 6pds 14 oz

On this day 8 years ago at 5:02 p.m. my life was changed forever. It was the day I became a mommy for the first time. I remember everything about that day. Being late to the hospital because I stopped and got breakfast at burger King because I knew once I got there I wasn't allowed to eat. My mom and dad were there waiting for me in the hallway. And yes I still remember the pain, I don't know who the wise ass was that told me " you forget all about it after it's over", I have yet to forget that pain. I remember my mom and dad being in the room looking at me like I was some kind of side show freak, watching everything I was doing. the break down (and I do mean breakdown) I had in the bathroom right before I had her, you see I just wasn't sure how they were going to get this baby out but I was not pushing her out and they were not going to get cut me so they had better figure out a way to get her out and I mean now!!! Or the few choice words I yelled at my nurse who by the way had known me since I was like 5, they really weren't very nice and I did apologize after it was all over. I'll never forget the look in my mom's eyes during my breakdown, like she would have done anything for me to make the pain go away if she only could have. At the time I didn't understand the love a mother has for a child, but I soon would. Little did I know it would only be a few minutes after the breakdown. When I was having Emmy they kept coming in and having me move all over the place. Switching the way I was laying, lay this way, no try this, no how about this, it was kinda getting on my nerves. But what I didn't know, what they weren't telling me was every time I had a contraction her heart rate was going to almost a flat line. I didn't learn this until after it was all over with, Didn't want to upset you they said. Really I thought?? So any way I was having a hard time for a minute getting her out then her head finally came and all of a sudden I heard DON'T PUSH, DON'T MOVE, DON'T DO ANYTHING, and I was like what's going on what do you mean don't push, I can't help it I have to, you people have been telling me for 20 minutes to push as hard as I can and now you tell me to stop. I can't stop, It's out of my control. But the sound of their voices made me think I had better listen. I was told at that time why I was having a hard time and she was having a hard time. The cord was wrapped around her neck it was in the way and literally causing her not to get any oxygen, and the more I pushed the tighter it was getting.

Here I was trying to give my child life and at the same time causing her to slip away. I was so scared, I remember shaking, the nurse was trying to get the doctor in there but he didn't think I would complete for a long time so he went to get something to eat. there was no time to wait so the next thing I heard was we have to cut the cord the way it is, and they did. They told me to push as hard as I could and when I did they pulled her the rest of the way out. i remember seeing this little gray limp body with a cord still around her neck being taken across the room, I didn't even get to see her. I sat there for a few minutes as all these people were surrounding my baby and working on her and I realized she wasn't crying, it's at this time I also realized my mom had stayed in the room while I had her. She had asked if she could and I had told her no because I thought she would get in the way. once again, I will always remember my mom standing there quiet as can be tears running down her face and when I looked at her all she said was I told you I wouldn't get in the way, and then she told me that was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. After a little while I finally heard the most beautiful sound I had ever heard, MY BABY. She was OK, she was breathing, crying and was going to be just fine. They brought her over to me, and ya know what, everyone in the room got to hold her before I did. I had to remind them that I would like to see her too. but it's all right they were just as excited to see this new wonder as I was.